By Zoe Rodriguez 2028
Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI, has been arrested under accusation of conducting a string of robberies across the country. The specific buildings he targeted were art museums, libraries, VHS stores, and he mistook the term “data garden” for an actual garden, so he robbed those too. In the end this accumulated to millions of dollars in stolen property. He was finally found at the scene of the crime after being found by police attempting to scale the fence of a pristine art gallery in broad daylight. The attendees of that gallery were later interviewed, to which one commented.
“It was weird. He just entered, declared loudly, ‘IM RICH SO I CAN DO THIS’, grabbed a framed painting from the wall, then ran away with it under his arm while singing ‘Price Tag’ to himself and climbing into a getaway jet.”
“I don’t think he knows what that song’s about”
As he arrived at the initial trial in a limousine made of solid gold, he was flooded with reporters and tech bros pestering him with questions. One reporter asked, “Why did you steal all those pieces of art?” to which he responded confusedly,
“Isnt that what we were already doing?”
Before being promptly shut up by his lawyer.
Afterwards Sam Altman’s defense attorney Robin Banks spoke on his behalf as he was no longer permitted to open his mouth throughout the duration of the trial.
According to the official court records, Altman had asked ChatGPT to plan the heist for him. This included a disguise, to which he chose to dress as a human being. The AI assured him, “Nobody would suspect a thing.”
The goal of these heists was reportedly to accumulate more data for OpenAI’s dataset. They figured that if they were allowed to steal millions of dollars worth of videos, images, text, and metadata from the internet, then surely real life wouldn’t be any different. At this point many members of the jury showed visible distress, to which Ms. Banks tried to justify his plans by adding:
“He spends all his time using ChatGPT, how can you expect him to tell the difference between that and real life?”
Her argument was that the only reason the heist failed, thus landing him in court, was because ChatGPT had hallucinated in the process of making the plans, and that this wouldn’t have happened if they had more data to train it on, hence why the heist happened in the first place. While she seemed proud of herself, this reasoning did not seem to satisfy the jury, or the judge, for that matter.
Sam Altman is currently being sued for $5 and will face a three week sentence, which will be carried out not in a federal prison but a $50 billion dollar penthouse.
